Investment NewsInvestment News

Hellium is up; feathers are down; paper is stationery.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives and surgical instruments are up, sharply.
Beef futures recently steered into a bull market.
Bear markets remained efficiently healthy.
Movements in invisible mending stock were undetectable.
Pencils lost a few points in hectic transfer.
Hiking equipment emerged trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their decline, slowly.
Weightrose was up in heavy trading.
Incandescent bulbs and light switches were off, then on, finishing firmly off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom, shipping stock remained on an even keel.
Caterpillar shares inched up creepily.
Cola shares fizzled, and the market for raisins dried up completely.
Sun peaked at midday but quite disappeared at the end of bright trading.
Batteries exploded in a failed attempt to recharge the market.
Andrex touched a new bottom.  Huggies remained unchanged.

I hope this privileged information makes the confusing world of high finance so much clearer!